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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23665762">i’ll wreck this if i have to (tell me what good would that do)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohallows/pseuds/ohallows'>ohallows</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Rusty Quill Gaming (Podcast)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Catharsis, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hopeful Ending, Introspection</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-03 00:15:59</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,749</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23665762</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohallows/pseuds/ohallows</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Hamid’s exhausted, mentally and physically. They’ve barely gotten any sleep in Shoin’s, and he’s as happy as any of them to be heading back to the inn for some actual rest. Zolf and Cel are more cheery than they had been inside, and Azu seems much more comfortable being out of the cramped spaces; Hamid wonders if he’s the only one who feels like the sun is too bright on his eyes, like the wind brushing against him feels more rough than calming, or if he’s just the only one who’s this bad at hiding it.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>78</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>i’ll wreck this if i have to (tell me what good would that do)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>working title: it’s time for hamid to pop babey</p><p>[tyra banks voice] pop… but emotionally </p><p>this fic has been on a deadline i can’t believe i squandered four weeks of special time and didn’t even look at it when the entire point of it was to get it out b4 it happens in the show so i just. crammed. and then about 2.5k in went ‘oh fuck all of this’ and completely changed it</p><p>you ever just have someone go “hey it’s okay to be upset” and then just have a Whole Fuckin Breakdown</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Hamid’s exhausted, mentally and physically. They’ve barely gotten any sleep in Shoin’s, and he’s as happy as any of them to be heading back to the inn for some actual rest. Currently, he’s walking next to Azu with his hand in hers, and he’s trying not to ask her to carry him, but his feet are </span>
  <em>
    <span>so </span>
  </em>
  <span>tired and sore that even the thought of having to walk even more is making him wince. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He doesn’t ask, though; if everyone else can be strong, can make it back, then he can too, and sod the rest. Zolf and Cel are more cheery than they had been inside, and Azu seems much more comfortable being out of the cramped spaces; Hamid wonders if he’s the only one who feels like the sun is too bright on his eyes, like the wind brushing against him feels more rough than calming, or if he’s just the only one who’s this bad at hiding it. Cel grabs them all in a cheery hug, and talks and talks until they agree to take a quick detour to their village. It’s not too far out of the way - maybe an hour or so, but Hamid can’t even muster up fake enthusiasm for it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It doesn’t seem like anyone notices - or, if they do, they don’t say anything. Not until Azu picks him up about halfway through the walk home (gods, when did it start becoming </span>
  <em>
    <span>home </span>
  </em>
  <span>to him?) and Hamid sags into her in appreciation, willfully refusing to tremble at least until he’s alone. She carries him the rest of the way, and even though her armor is cold and hard, Hamid can’t bring himself to push away this single sense of comfort that he’s getting. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They stop by Cel’s village and, thankfully, everything is fine. No one is hurt - well, Jasper has a few burns, but Cel seems impressed that he only has a </span>
  <em>
    <span>few, </span>
  </em>
  <span>so Hamid takes it as a win. Cel chats with Jasper for a bit, both of them technobabbling away, and then they give Jasper a tight hug as Zolf tells them that it’s time to go. They promise to be back to visit as soon as they can, and then bound back to the group. It looks like an entire weight has lifted off their shoulders at seeing that the village is fine, and Hamid’s glad that they’re happy. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Thankfully, the inn isn’t far away, maybe an hour or so, and everyone starts picking up the pace as they get closer. Hamid begins fantasising about drawing a bath and soaking for a few days, and then being able to sleep in his own bed and just have some time to himself to cope with… everything. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cel is the first through the door, pushing it open and loudly announcing to the inn at large that they’re back, and Hamid sighs in relief as Azu steps through. She sets him down and he squeezes her hand before letting go, ready to head up to his room when he spots Wilde standing in the entrance to his makeshift office, stern look on his face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hamid’s stomach drops, and it’s just one more straw onto Hamid’s slowly breaking back - Wilde doesn’t give them an option, just gestures to the cellar, and for the first time Hamid realises how scared everyone looks, watching them warily. They all follow each other down and go into the anti-magic cell, and Hamid can feel the anxious energy pulsing through him. It’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> something they can push back against; Zolf doesn’t seem surprised, although he clearly isn’t happy, and for a moment Hamid thinks Azu is going to fight Wilde over it until she slinks in as well. He considers fighting it as well, but there’s something stern in the set of Wilde’s jaw, and Hamid doesn’t think it’s worth it. At least he’s… </span>
  <em>
    <span>warmer</span>
  </em>
  <span>, this time around, not like the first time when he poisoned them and tricked them into the cell. He offers to bring them food and water, and even leaves a lamp and some crosswords and books for them. Still, tension and distrust run through every line of his body even as he asks, and he can’t seem to get out of there quick enough when the opportunity presents itself. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The door shuts and they’re left alone down there, with nothing but a single window letting in the quickly waning sunlight. Another week in a cell, unable to do </span>
  <em>
    <span>anything</span>
  </em>
  <span>, is absolutely the last thing Hamid needs. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The nightmares, surprisingly, don’t come the second they get back to the inn. Hamid had been expecting… well, to be dealing with them a bit more than he’d liked, especially while around others, but they seem to give him a pass, at least for the first few days. It’s hard to track time passing in the cell, especially when the only two markers of it are Wilde’s daily visits and the changing level of light in the room. Zolf does his best - says that he’s been chucked in here enough times after missions to at least estimate how much time is passing during the days. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They get two meals a day - something Hamid isn’t best pleased by - but he knows better than to complain. Days 1 - 3 pass in a bit of a blur, and most of this time he’s cuddled up next to Azu, head resting against her forearm. Sometimes he ends up in Cel’s lap, their arms nearly hitting his head as they gesticulate wildly as they speak. Others, he’s next to Zolf, head on his shoulder as Zolf lets him braid and unbraid his beard for something to focus on. Hamid sits there, bored out of his mind and waiting for the week to be up, and halfway through the week is when he lets his guard down and the nightmares sneak in.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Everything feels normal as they go to sleep; well, as normal as it can be in a jail cell as they wait to prove that the infection isn’t running through their veins. They all say goodnight to each other, on their respective cots in different corners of the cell, and then Hamid slips into sleep. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He doesn’t know what time it is when he wakes up violently from a nightmare (of ghosts and hands slipping from his grab and distressed noises and regret and panic and </span>
  <em>
    <span>death), </span>
  </em>
  <span>screaming. He sits up, flicking on the lamp that Wilde was kind enough to leave them this time around. He’s struggling to breathe, struggling to </span>
  <em>
    <span>think </span>
  </em>
  <span>and separate reality and dreams, and he runs a hand through his hair as the other clutches at his chest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hamid?” Zolf asks out of the darkness, voice thick with sleep, and Hamid can’t stop shaking for long enough to answer him. His knees curl to his chest as he wraps his arms around them and buries his head in his arms. “Hey.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He feels Zolf’s hand on his shoulder, warm and rough even through his suit and cloak, and Hamid looks up, trying not to let the tears fall.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You were shouting,” Zolf explains, and Hamid nods.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry,” he says, voice hoarse, and drags his hand down his face. Through his fingers, he can see Azu and Cel looking over at him, both looking worried. “I didn’t mean to - to wake you. I’m sorry.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s alright,” Azu says, and moves toward him as well, kneeling down next to the cot. “I… haven’t been sleeping well either.” Hamid knows she doesn’t mean it like that, that she’s just trying to help, but he can’t help the guilt that thrums through his veins. It’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>heavy, </span>
  </em>
  <span>pulling his heart down to the floor, and Hamid feels… so cold. Bereft. Alone. But it’s still </span>
  <em>
    <span>stifling</span>
  </em>
  <span>, and this cell is so </span>
  <em>
    <span>small </span>
  </em>
  <span>and Hamid feels the walls closing in on him, as though this space is getting even smaller, and he - he </span>
  <em>
    <span>shakes.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Could I have some space?” Hamid asks, and if the others can hear how thin his voice is, how close to breaking he is, they don’t say anything. “Please.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Zolf backs away immediately, hand falling from Hamid’s shoulder, and Azu follows suit, although Hamid can tell that she just wants to wrap him in a hug. He wants that too, honestly; wants to hide his face in Azu’s shoulder and forget the world exists, forget all of this and pretend that everything is fine, that people he loves </span>
  <em>
    <span>aren’t </span>
  </em>
  <span>dead and gone, that he has. God, </span>
  <em>
    <span>any chance </span>
  </em>
  <span>to -</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hamid -“ he hears, only slightly panicked, and looks up again to see Azu staring straight at him, worry in her eyes. “Talk to us?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hamid just shakes his head, a little sardonic laugh escaping him that he can’t hold back. “Talk about </span>
  <em>
    <span>what?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Azu looks… well, hurt, at that, and Hamid wants to apologize but the thorns and poison are starting to fester inside him, and he’s too tired and too </span>
  <em>
    <span>over </span>
  </em>
  <span>all of this to be able to self-censor. Still, he doesn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>want</span>
  </em>
  <span> to hurt Azu, so he reaches a hand out that she takes, and he squeezes it, trying to convey through that what he can’t in words, before dropping it again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gods, he used to be. So good with words, at </span>
  <em>
    <span>diplomacy, </span>
  </em>
  <span>and he still </span>
  <em>
    <span>is, </span>
  </em>
  <span>but it just… feels so </span>
  <em>
    <span>fragile</span>
  </em>
  <span> now. Azu does smile, though, weak and still worried, but it’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>something, </span>
  </em>
  <span>and Hamid’s had so few wins recently that he’s just going to claim this one for himself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We were, er -“ Zolf says, stumbling a bit over his words. “Azu and Cel and I, that is, we… I heard. About. Er - what happened? With the fireball? And I’m not - okay, look, I’m </span>
  <em>
    <span>not </span>
  </em>
  <span>judging, we were… it wasn’t easy, in there. We all… all had to make </span>
  <em>
    <span>decisions</span>
  </em>
  <span> about what to do down there, some I’m not proud of, and -“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Zolf, just </span>
  <em>
    <span>say </span>
  </em>
  <span>what you mean,” Hamid says, trying to keep the frustration out of his voice. Eighteen months later, and Zolf might have gotten a better handle on the depression and self-image issues that Hamid watched him struggle with (that Hamid desperately wished he could </span>
  <em>
    <span>help</span>
  </em>
  <span> with), but he’s still not the best communicator. He’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>trying </span>
  </em>
  <span>to be nice and accepting, he </span>
  <em>
    <span>really </span>
  </em>
  <span>is, but four days into an enforced quarantine in a single, barred cell with three others hasn’t been particularly </span>
  <em>
    <span>good </span>
  </em>
  <span>on Hamid’s frayed nerves. He loves all of them dearly, he really does, but he just. Needs some alone time, to </span>
  <em>
    <span>decompress. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(It’s not their fault that his nightmares have all taken the shape of a group of kobolds screaming as fire burns them down to nothing. It’s not their fault that Hamid sees the cages anytime he closes his eyes. It’s not their fault that Hamid hears ghosts calling his name, ghosts that take the shape of his sister and his friends.)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please.” He tacks it on as an afterthought, but Zolf seems to read it well enough. He sends a ‘help me’ look to Azu - Hamid knows it well, considering that he’s been on the receiving end of it anytime Zolf needed someone else to sweep in and gently charm someone into leaving them all alone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry, er - listen, you’ve been acting a little… off? Lately? And I know all of this,” he gestures to the cell around him, or maybe the world, Hamid isn’t sure, “has been, er - difficult? I get it. </span>
  <em>
    <span>We </span>
  </em>
  <span>get it, really. And we just… want to be sure you’re </span>
  <em>
    <span>okay</span>
  </em>
  <span> -“ Zolf starts, glancing over to Azu and Cel, who both nod, and that’s what sends Hamid over the edge. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay?” Hamid asks, nothing louder than a whisper, and he can see Zolf start to reach out to him. He backs up, and Zolf’s hand drops to his side. “How would I be </span>
  <em>
    <span>okay?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Zolf winces. “I just. Listen, we have a </span>
  <em>
    <span>mission, </span>
  </em>
  <span>and also you’re my friend and I care about you, so I want to make sure -“ he trails off as Hamid looks more and more astounded at him, and then Azu is pulling him back a bit. Zolf gives her a grateful look and retreats back to sit by Cel, looking awkward as hell but not saying anything else. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hamid, if you’d like to talk… we’re here. It’s alright if you’re not okay, we just want to </span>
  <em>
    <span>help </span>
  </em>
  <span>you be okay again,” Azu says, and Hamid’s heart throbs in his chest. He knows she’s just trying to help, but it just reminds him that he’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span>, that he’s barely holding it together. He doesn’t say anything, doesn’t know </span>
  <em>
    <span>what </span>
  </em>
  <span>to say, because he knows none of them will believe any pretty lies that he tries to tell, and he might be able to put makeup on but there’s no hiding the dark bags under his eyes and the way his face is set into harsh lines. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re not - er, not acting like yourself, yeah?” Zolf says - and really, Hamid </span>
  <em>
    <span>knows </span>
  </em>
  <span>he’s trying to help, but sometimes he thinks Zolf does more harm than good when it comes to, well. Emotions. “Just want to. See what we can do.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Somehow, that snaps the straw on the camel’s back, and every emotion Hamid’s been holding back, burying deeper and deeper since </span>
  <em>
    <span>Paris</span>
  </em>
  <span>, comes rushing to the forefront, anger and guilt and regret and </span>
  <em>
    <span>shame </span>
  </em>
  <span>and Hamid is so, </span>
  <em>
    <span>so </span>
  </em>
  <span>tired of keeping it all locked back, so tired of pretending like he’s okay when every part of him is </span>
  <em>
    <span>screaming</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Hamid explodes, feeling his veins light up, and fire feels the same as anger when it’s the only thing carrying you forward. It feels like the wind is rushing past his ears, head roaring and thundering as though there’s a firestorm egging him on. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hamid explodes, and this time, with him completely out of control, lost to the emotions whirling around, it feels </span>
  <em>
    <span>good. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry I’m acting </span>
  <em>
    <span>different</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” Hamid snaps, and stands up off the small cot, crossing his arms. Zolf and Azu each take a step back, and even Cel looks almost apprehensive. “And no, I’m not </span>
  <em>
    <span>okay, </span>
  </em>
  <span>whatever gave you the idea that I </span>
  <em>
    <span>would be?</span>
  </em>
  <span> Let me just go through the list, then, shall I?” He holds up his hand and begins ticking them off as he speaks. “First off, I </span>
  <em>
    <span>killed someone</span>
  </em>
  <span>! It doesn’t matter that it was on accident, or that I didn’t realize what would happen, I got kicked out of university and spent six months on a near-blackout </span>
  <em>
    <span>bender</span>
  </em>
  <span> after being told to make something of myself! I spend all my money gambling and drinking, and then stumble in on Bertie, and then I’m part of an adventuring group. And finally, </span>
  <em>
    <span>finally, </span>
  </em>
  <span>I can make something of myself. Or so I think, but then that night, we nearly get exploded, and Sasha -“ his voice cracks but he continues, refusing to give into the ghosts. They might dominate his entire sleeping mind, but he won’t let them take this as well. “Sasha </span>
  <em>
    <span>does</span>
  </em>
  <span> get exploded, and since then we’ve been haring off on missions and being expected to save the entire </span>
  <em>
    <span>world!”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hamid -“ He ignores Zolf calling his name, so quietly, so </span>
  <em>
    <span>regretfully</span>
  </em>
  <span>, and steams on ahead. They’re all going to </span>
  <em>
    <span>listen.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“And then we go to Dover, and almost die on the channel, and then we get trapped underground with a terrifying mechanical monster who runs the entire world’s electronic systems and we </span>
  <em>
    <span>kill it </span>
  </em>
  <span>because, gods, so many people died for it, people we’ll never know about, and I’m - maybe you were right, Zolf, maybe we </span>
  <em>
    <span>were</span>
  </em>
  <span> wrong to do it, but what else were we supposed to do? Let it survive, let people keep dying to feed the machine?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s Azu who calls his name this time, reaching a hand out to his shoulder, and he </span>
  <em>
    <span>flinches</span>
  </em>
  <span> back from it violently, wrapping his arms around his chest because he feels like he’s going to explode, going to pop any minute.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t - don’t touch me,” he stammers out, and Azu pulls back, concern and shock blending together on her face. Hamid continues on, curling into himself, because it feels like now that he’s let out a single wisp of the pain and guilt eating at him, he won’t be able to stop until all the poison is out. “We escaped Paris, and I burned a man </span>
  <em>
    <span>alive </span>
  </em>
  <span>and I just - gods, I didn’t even hate it, you know? He was evil, it was what he </span>
  <em>
    <span>deserved</span>
  </em>
  <span>, and I know it was the right thing to do, but I still </span>
  <em>
    <span>murdered</span>
  </em>
  <span> him!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The airship - it was the only peace we really had, wasn't it? And even that was - it wasn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>anything</span>
  </em>
  <span>, it was a few days of calm in between things that were trying to kill us, and then it all went to hell </span>
  <em>
    <span>anyway. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Zolf, you left, and I understand why you did, I </span>
  <em>
    <span>do, </span>
  </em>
  <span>but it was still one more thing building up. And then only a few days later Bertie and </span>
  <em>
    <span>my sister</span>
  </em>
  <span> died, and then I had to go home and face my family, knowing -“ he cuts himself off and presses a shaking hand to his mouth. It takes him a few tries to continue speaking, and he can feel the pressure building behind his eyes as he tries to keep the tears at bay. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I - I had to face my family, and I couldn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>save her</span>
  </em>
  <span>, I couldn’t do anything because I couldn’t even </span>
  <em>
    <span>think</span>
  </em>
  <span>, and I was supposed to protect her, I can’t -“ He rubs at his eyes and takes a deep shuddering breath. “We left Cairo, and Damascus was terrible as well, and then our families, people we cared about, were </span>
  <em>
    <span>abducted</span>
  </em>
  <span>. I had to learn that my little brother had been taken, and no one knew where he was, and we didn’t know if… if whoever had been holding them would just kill him before we could </span>
  <em>
    <span>do anything</span>
  </em>
  <span>, and then….” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The fear comes back to him in the way it always does, finding Ishaq lying weak and confused on the dirt floor, trying to be </span>
  <em>
    <span>so strong </span>
  </em>
  <span>for him even though Hamid could see the fear etched through his every motion. Hamid knows that sometimes his nightmares replay that over and over to him, forcing him to watch as he’s too </span>
  <em>
    <span>late,</span>
  </em>
  <span> as they’re unable to find him, laying </span>
  <em>
    <span>alone -</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hamid. Stay with us. Breathe,” Zolf says, a quiet urgency in his voice, still keeping his distance and respecting Hamid’s request. Hamid listens as well, taking deep breaths and walking himself back from the precipice that he’s been teetering on the edge of for so long.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Rome was hell. My spells didn’t work, we couldn’t be healed because Azu’s spells didn’t work, and then we all nearly died more than once because we had </span>
  <em>
    <span>no clue</span>
  </em>
  <span> what we were doing. I nearly killed myself to save us all and then I got </span>
  <em>
    <span>lucky, </span>
  </em>
  <span>and I’m still not really sure if it was a blessing or a curse but I can’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>do </span>
  </em>
  <span>anything to change what we did, I -“ he takes a deep breath, feeling his head getting thin. He remembers Grizzop angrily crying in the factory, so overwhelmed with emotions that there was nowhere </span>
  <em>
    <span>else </span>
  </em>
  <span>for it to go, and Hamid thinks he finally understands as tears begin slipping down his face. There’s still a burning ember of anger and guilt and regret in his chest, scalding his insides with every word, and he doesn’t have to look down to know that his hands have curled into claws. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>No one responds and he continues, voice steadily increasing in volume until he’s nearly shouting. His entire body is trembling, and Hamid can’t feel anything but regret anymore, doesn’t know </span>
  <em>
    <span>how </span>
  </em>
  <span>to. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We went into the pocket plane and... we saved </span>
  <em>
    <span>everyone</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Except we didn’t, did we, because then we lost Sasha and Grizzop, and there was - there was nothing </span>
  <em>
    <span>anyone </span>
  </em>
  <span>could do about it, they were just… </span>
  <em>
    <span>gone, </span>
  </em>
  <span>and we didn’t even </span>
  <em>
    <span>know </span>
  </em>
  <span>until it was too </span>
  <em>
    <span>late</span>
  </em>
  <span>, and no one will help us </span>
  <em>
    <span>find them </span>
  </em>
  <span>until -“ he cuts himself off, because that’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>not </span>
  </em>
  <span>the point right now. He takes another steadying breath and closes his eyes, trying to find his center the way Aziza always taught him to when he was having a panic attack. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And then we get back, without them, and it’s been </span>
  <em>
    <span>eighteen bloody months</span>
  </em>
  <span> since we left, and we had no clue what was going on and no one could </span>
  <em>
    <span>tell us anything</span>
  </em>
  <span>.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hamid, I didn’t realize -“ Zolf starts, guilt clear on his face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know,” Hamid says, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I know you didn’t, and I don’t blame you for it, but we were still locked in a cell for a week with no idea what was happening to our families, after having just lost our friends. We lost </span>
  <em>
    <span>two of our friends</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Zolf, I - we lost </span>
  <em>
    <span>Sasha. </span>
  </em>
  <span>And I know you didn’t know Grizzop, but he’d been with us since you left, and we just - we lost them </span>
  <em>
    <span>both. </span>
  </em>
  <span>And we haven’t even had time to </span>
  <em>
    <span>slow down</span>
  </em>
  <span> or think about it in the slightest, honestly, our only down time was </span>
  <em>
    <span>my sister’s funeral!</span>
  </em>
  <span>” he yells, everything coming to a head all of a sudden for him as the monster in Hamid’s chest made of pain and misery and </span>
  <em>
    <span>grief </span>
  </em>
  <span>and stress rears its ugly head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The sympathy and recognition in Zolf’s eyes mixed with the confusion and slow understanding in Cel’s eyes just spurs him on further. “So forgive me if I’m acting a little </span>
  <em>
    <span>out of character</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Zolf, but I’ve frankly been living from moment to moment with no chance to… to </span>
  <em>
    <span>breathe</span>
  </em>
  <span> for months, now!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He stands there in the center of the cell, chest heaving and staring down at his hands as they shake, looking more dragon-y than halfling. He can’t look at any of them, not right now, because Azu and Zolf were only there for half of it, and no one but him is even - gods, </span>
  <em>
    <span>no one but him</span>
  </em>
  <span> alive even </span>
  <em>
    <span>remembers </span>
  </em>
  <span>Prague, because Grizzop and Sasha and Bertie are all dead, because </span>
  <em>
    <span>Hamid </span>
  </em>
  <span>brought them someplace, and - </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was never able to save them. Never able to save </span>
  <em>
    <span>any of them</span>
  </em>
  <span>, and it’s all so </span>
  <em>
    <span>heavy </span>
  </em>
  <span>on his shoulders, and he knows everyone else has been through hell too but </span>
  <em>
    <span>isn’t </span>
  </em>
  <span>breaking, only Hamid is, and it’s just </span>
  <em>
    <span>so much </span>
  </em>
  <span>so fast and he can’t - he can’t -</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hamid. Breathe,” he hears Zolf say, a stern command that cuts through the slowly crumbling walls of his mind, and he does, a rattling inhale that makes his chest feel like it’s creaking. “There you go. Keep on going, okay?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hamid does, squeezing his eyes shut and focusing on a small square in his mind, slowly getting bigger and smaller just like Saira taught him how to do. And just like that, all of the fight leaves his body in a rush, and he’s left feeling bereft and like he’s back on the channel, except this time </span>
  <em>
    <span>he’s </span>
  </em>
  <span>the one in the water, trying to stay afloat. He opens his eyes again, feeling so, </span>
  <em>
    <span>so </span>
  </em>
  <span>tired, and sits down on the cot, hands resting limply in his lap.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry,” he says, quiet and ashamed, voice raw from shouting. “That was - that was out of line. I didn’t mean to yell, I -“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’s cut off as Zolf strides up to him and wraps him in a tight hug. Hamid hesitates, just for a moment, and then his hands come up to wrap around Zolf’s back, burying his head against Zolf’s shoulder as his hands fist in his jacket. He can feel himself shaking, and tries not to completely lose it and break down against Zolf’s chest.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t - don’t apologize,” Zolf says, and the familiar bluntness almost calms Hamid down some, almost brings him back down to himself. “I’m sorry for not noticing earlier. That - I should have </span>
  <em>
    <span>asked.</span>
  </em>
  <span>” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He steps back, and his warmth goes with him as Hamid stays where he is, trying to find </span>
  <em>
    <span>something </span>
  </em>
  <span>to cling on to. He didn’t even realise how much all this was affecting him, not until he’d laid it out like that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m - I’m not </span>
  <em>
    <span>okay, </span>
  </em>
  <span>guys</span>
  <em>
    <span>,” </span>
  </em>
  <span>Hamid says and covers his hand with his eyes. “How - I don’t know </span>
  <em>
    <span>how </span>
  </em>
  <span>to be, anymore.” His breath hitches in a sob and his fingers dig into his skull, pressing painfully into his temples. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hamid,” Azu says, in a voice that’s soft and warm and sounds like </span>
  <em>
    <span>home</span>
  </em>
  <span>, like </span>
  <em>
    <span>trust, </span>
  </em>
  <span>and Hamid looks up at her. “You don’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>have </span>
  </em>
  <span>to be. No one - </span>
  <em>
    <span>no one - </span>
  </em>
  <span>is expecting you to be okay after… everything.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hamid doesn’t say anything for a moment, and then he looks away. “But </span>
  <em>
    <span>I </span>
  </em>
  <span>am.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t -“ Azu takes a breath, and when she continues, she sounds nearly heartbroken. “You’re </span>
  <em>
    <span>allowed</span>
  </em>
  <span> to be upset.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I -“ Hamid’s voice cracks a bit as he starts to speak, and then he opens and closes his mouth as he tries to think about how to explain the way his chest always compresses whenever he even thinks of this. “I mean, we haven’t even had </span>
  <em>
    <span>time. </span>
  </em>
  <span>The entire week in the cell, I was… grieving. And I didn’t - I didn’t trust anything, not really, it had just. Everything had happened so </span>
  <em>
    <span>fast, </span>
  </em>
  <span>and then the week in Cel’s village was us working to fortify it, so I couldn’t break down </span>
  <em>
    <span>then, </span>
  </em>
  <span>and after we went right off to Shoin’s and we just… haven’t stopped moving.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He swallows, heavily, at that, and then looks back at Azu. On anyone else, he would think the look in her eyes was pity, but she somehow makes it only seem like empathy, and once again Hamid doesn’t know how he would have gotten through all this without her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We have </span>
  <em>
    <span>time </span>
  </em>
  <span>now, Hamid,” she says, so gentle and so, </span>
  <em>
    <span>so</span>
  </em>
  <span> understanding, and it’s not Hamid’s fault that he breaks at that, at the </span>
  <em>
    <span>permission </span>
  </em>
  <span>to just. Let go of some of the burden. To not be okay. To just… not carry everything around on his shoulders until he feels like he’s going to completely crumble under the weight. He doesn’t speak for a while, just letting himself </span>
  <em>
    <span>feel </span>
  </em>
  <span>his way through it, body wracked with sobs as everyone crowds around him, providing a silent comfort. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was trying to be strong for </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Azu,” he says, voice thick with tears that are falling steadily down his face, and Azu shakes her head slowly, wrapping her arms around her abdomen. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hamid, you don’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>have </span>
  </em>
  <span>to be. And I’m not - I’m not okay, either,” Azu says, taking a step forward, and there are tears sliding down her face as well. “I’m - I’m so </span>
  <em>
    <span>angry</span>
  </em>
  <span>, about all of this. Sasha and Grizzop, they… they </span>
  <em>
    <span>deserved </span>
  </em>
  <span>better, they deserved to be here with us. They deserved to </span>
  <em>
    <span>live</span>
  </em>
  <span>. We </span>
  <em>
    <span>won, </span>
  </em>
  <span>we saved </span>
  <em>
    <span>everyone, </span>
  </em>
  <span>but we couldn’t save </span>
  <em>
    <span>them, </span>
  </em>
  <span>and it hurts me everyday but I can’t -“ she cuts herself off, pressing a fist to her mouth. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It was my fault,” she chokes out, and she sinks to her knees in front of Hamid, fists clenched on her thighs. “I was the one who made us go because I was </span>
  <em>
    <span>scared</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Sasha and Grizzop didn’t want to go, but they did </span>
  <em>
    <span>anyway, </span>
  </em>
  <span>and I just… I - I was the one who let go of Grizzop.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Azu -“ Hamid starts, but Azu just shakes her head, and he stops speaking.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know they didn’t want to </span>
  <em>
    <span>go,” </span>
  </em>
  <span>she whispers. “And I - I can't stop thinking about the what-ifs. If I hadn’t convinced everyone to go. If Grizzop - gods, Hamid, what if Grizzop had stayed in Damascus? He - he’d still be </span>
  <em>
    <span>here.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Hamid shakes his head. They’d all decided to go to Rome, even if it hadn’t been Sasha’s favorite idea, and if Grizzop hadn’t shown up with Eldarion when he did, they may have gotten stuck in the pocket plane together. “Azu, you -“ he glances over at Zolf, a memory from what feels like years ago circling back to the forefront as he speaks. “You can’t focus on the what if’s. They’re… paralysing. You can’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>change </span>
  </em>
  <span>the past. And this </span>
  <em>
    <span>isn’t </span>
  </em>
  <span>your fault.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I </span>
  <em>
    <span>felt it,</span>
  </em>
  <span>” Azu says, and wraps her arms tighter around herself, knuckles turning white where they hold on. “His hand just - it just </span>
  <em>
    <span>slipped</span>
  </em>
  <span>, I - I couldn’t do </span>
  <em>
    <span>anything. </span>
  </em>
  <span>He was </span>
  <em>
    <span>gone</span>
  </em>
  <span> before I could even react, and then </span>
  <em>
    <span>Sasha</span>
  </em>
  <span> -“ she ends on a sob, and Hamid is wrapping her into a tight hug in a second, feeling the tears come streaming down his face even more.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Azu, you </span>
  <em>
    <span>can’t </span>
  </em>
  <span>blame yourself for that,” Hamid says, squeezing her as tight as he can. He’s nearly forgotten that Zolf and Cel are in the room at this point, and the two of them are clearly trying their best not to intrude on the moment, as much as is possible when they’re all locked in a cell. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How can I </span>
  <em>
    <span>not?” </span>
  </em>
  <span>she says, pulling back from him a little bit as she looks up at him - a welcome change. “Everytime I close my eyes, I dream about it. It’s always a nightmare, and I never save him, but I’ll never forget the feeling of his hand falling away from mine. I’m never going to be able to forget it, Hamid.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hamid swallows around the lump in his throat. “I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget them or my sister,” he says, and that thought sends him over the edge again. They’ve both lost so </span>
  <em>
    <span>much </span>
  </em>
  <span>in such a short amount of time. But Hamid doesn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>want </span>
  </em>
  <span>to forget, doesn’t want to ever forget the way his sister smiled, the way Sasha would play with her daggers, the way Grizzop had such a righteous anger about him but would do anything to protect the people he cared about. The memories - it’s all too new, too </span>
  <em>
    <span>fresh</span>
  </em>
  <span>, for him to really examine them now, but he doesn’t want to </span>
  <em>
    <span>lose </span>
  </em>
  <span>them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m so sorry,” Azu says eventually, and he doesn’t even know what she’s apologizing for, but he just shakes his head, still trembling.</span>
</p><p><span>“I’m sorry too,” he chokes out, and he doesn’t even know</span> <span>what </span><em><span>he’s</span></em><span> apologizing for either, just that he </span><em><span>needs </span></em><span>to say it. </span></p><p>
  <span>He thinks they both might be apologizing for the same thing, or at least somewhat the same. Apologizing to people who are no longer there to hear them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know,” Cel says, stepping forward, and when Hamid turns to look at them, their eyes are suspiciously bright as well, and they wipe a shaking hand across them. “I don’t - I didn’t really know what you all had been through but that is…” they blow a breath out through their mouth, and then continue, “a </span>
  <em>
    <span>lot. </span>
  </em>
  <span>And you can tell me to shut up if you want, I won’t be offended - really, I hear it </span>
  <em>
    <span>more often </span>
  </em>
  <span>than you’d think - but as someone who is… let’s say, intermin - inter - </span>
  <em>
    <span>intimate, </span>
  </em>
  <span>that’s the word, </span>
  <em>
    <span>intimately </span>
  </em>
  <span>familiar with losing people… I promise it gets better. And it helps when you’ve got, er - got </span>
  <em>
    <span>people </span>
  </em>
  <span>around to help.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They gesture, very unsubtly, at themselves and Zolf, who nods, looking almost stern about it, and Hamid can’t help himself from giving a shaky smile at how </span>
  <em>
    <span>much </span>
  </em>
  <span>they want to help. It - it means the world to him, especially since Cel’s only known them for a week and some days, but he figures that you really don’t need to know someone for all that long to care about them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They’re right, Hamid. We aren’t the only ones we have </span>
  <em>
    <span>left </span>
  </em>
  <span>anymore,” Azu says, and her voice is thick with grief and tears, even as she gives him a watery smile. She looks over at Zolf and Cel, both of whom nod; Cel, uncharacteristically quiet, steps forward and lays their hand on Azu’s shoulder before wrapping their arms around her. Zolf follows suit, not hugging but just </span>
  <em>
    <span>standing </span>
  </em>
  <span>there, close, a comfortable solid presence. A promise, to be there for them against anything. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Neither of them are anywhere </span>
  <em>
    <span>close </span>
  </em>
  <span>to being okay, not really, but maybe one day they </span>
  <em>
    <span>can </span>
  </em>
  <span>be. As long as they stick together through it all. Hamid still… everything still feels a little bleak, a little too dark for him to feel completely hopeful about it, but even just knowing he’s not </span>
  <em>
    <span>alone, </span>
  </em>
  <span>that there are people who care about him enough to carry that burden </span>
  <em>
    <span>with </span>
  </em>
  <span>him… for now, it’s enough.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Azu wraps him in a tight hug, and he can feel her shaking. He hugs back with all he’s got, arms around her neck, as tears slip down his face. It feels </span>
  <em>
    <span>safe</span>
  </em>
  <span>, in the way only Azu can. Zolf and Cel feel safe as well, feel like comfort and understanding and peace, but they’re all slightly different, in ways Hamid hasn’t bothered to categorize beyond the fact that they all feel as close to home as he’ll be able to find right now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Another arm wraps around his back and he turns slightly, spotting Zolf as he wraps his arms around the both of them. He’s crying as well, as much as he’s trying to hide it, and it’s not long before Cel is there as well, arms stretching as best they can around the three of them as they rest their head on top of Hamid’s. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They all have… a lot of talking to do. There are enough demons flying around Hamid’s brain that still need to be exorcised, and one exhausted nightmare-fueled breakdown won’t solve all of his problems immediately. They’re going to need to put in the work to fix this, to fix </span>
  <em>
    <span>each other</span>
  </em>
  <span>. But this is - this is a good </span>
  <em>
    <span>start</span>
  </em>
  <span>, and as Hamid looks around at all of them, at some of the people he cares about most in the world… he knows that they’ll get through this. Together, and in one piece. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you,” he whispers, and pulls them all closer as best as he’s able, when he’s only able to reach Azu and Cel. “I’m - yeah,“ he cuts himself off from apologizing again, getting an approving nod from Zolf. They stay there for a moment longer, just to be </span>
  <em>
    <span>together, </span>
  </em>
  <span>and then break apart, although no one goes very far. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hamid, if we </span>
  <em>
    <span>can </span>
  </em>
  <span>find them, we will,” Azu promises. There’s steel in her voice and a determined set to her jaw, and Hamid can nearly </span>
  <em>
    <span>feel </span>
  </em>
  <span>it reverberating through him as well. “But if we can’t, then we’ll continue to fight. For them. And we’ll </span>
  <em>
    <span>win.</span>
  </em>
  <span>”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You think we can?” Hamid asks, and it’s more hesitant that he wants it to be, but he just doesn’t have the capacity for endless hope left anymore, although Azu might have enough for both of them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know we can,” Azu says, and Hamid smiles at her, watery and weak. He believes her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry, I know this is silly, but… can we push the cots together? Just for tonight,” Hamid chokes out, wiping at his eyes. Gods, his mascara must be running something </span>
  <em>
    <span>awful, </span>
  </em>
  <span>and he goes to snap his fingers before remembering that magic doesn’t work. It’s something so… minor, so </span>
  <em>
    <span>insignificant </span>
  </em>
  <span>in the grand scheme of things, that Hamid can’t help but laugh when he thinks about it. “I can’t fix my makeup,” he says, with a watery chuckle, and rubs at the space under his eyes, sure he’s only smearing it around more. “Imagine if </span>
  <em>
    <span>that </span>
  </em>
  <span>was our biggest issue.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He can hear Zolf sigh in relief, from a few feet away as Hamid makes the weak joke. (Seems like Hamid isn't the only one who remembers the catacombs, remembers how Hamid completely shut down until he finally came back to himself, and his first priority was to prestidigitate himself clean again. The more things change, the more they stay the same, Hamid supposes.)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you feeling better?” Azu asks, a genuine question, and Hamid takes a moment to consider it before answering. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I…” it’s a hard answer, because Hamid really doesn’t know what </span>
  <em>
    <span>better </span>
  </em>
  <span>feels like, not in this world, but he feels... less. Less broken. Less frayed. Less like he’s teetering on the edge of a long drop, and more like he’s standing far enough away from it to observe it and know it’s there, but not be as terrified of falling off the precipice anymore. “I think I am. It’s - it’s still there and it </span>
  <em>
    <span>hurts. </span>
  </em>
  <span>But I’m not… I don’t know. I don’t feel the crushing weight of it, anymore. If that makes sense? I think I just needed to… get it out.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It does,” Azu says, and Hamid wishes he knew how to better express how much she means to him than just reaching out and holding her hand. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’re here for you, you know?” Cel says, and wraps their arm around Hamid, squeezing him tightly. “I know I’m, like, new and all, and don’t actually? Know either of them? Or you guys, really, but hey, what are friends but a first step on the road to being a family? Is that - is that the saying?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hamid laughs, quiet but </span>
  <em>
    <span>genuine</span>
  </em>
  <span>, and leans his head into their shoulder. “It’s very much </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” he says. “But I like it. It should be.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then it is! I say so,” Cel says, and rubs Hamid’s arm. “Just like that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just like that,” Hamid echoes, feeling the ghost of a smile pulling at his lips. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s good to see you smiling again,” Azu says, and the tear tracks are still visible on her face even as she pulls Hamid into a tight hug. She’s solid and warm, and Hamid hugs back, feeling as secure as he always does in her arms. She pulls back before long but doesn’t go far, sitting back on her knees at his side. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know I’m - not the best with words,” Zolf says, somehow almost </span>
  <em>
    <span>more </span>
  </em>
  <span>gruff than usual, and reaches out a hand and rests it on Hamid’s shoulder. “But if there’s anything else we can do… don’t bottle it up. Trust me, I, er - know how that one goes.” He gives Hamid a slight smile, and Hamid nods, hand coming up and resting on Zolf’s where it sits on his shoulder. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you,” Hamid says, looking around at each of them in turn. “All of you. Really, I - I’m glad you’re all my friends.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m glad you let all of that out, Hamid,” Azu says. “It was dampening your light.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hamid blushes a bit at that, but it doesn’t last long as Cel presses a brief, platonic kiss to his temple. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Things might not be perfect right now, but we’re all here for you, little buddy!” they say, squeezing his shoulder. “We’ll get through it. We’re all pretty bad bum, aren’t we?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hamid can’t help it - he chokes on a laugh at that, and Zolf and Azu quickly follow suit, and then all three of them laugh harder at Cel’s confused expression, but they join in soon enough, and then all of them are laughing, arms around each other as the tension in the room snaps like a twig, and everything feels… good. Not perfect, but… good.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m definitely less upset now, but. I would still like the cuddle pile, please,” Hamid asks, and brushes the last of his tears from his eyes. Azu nods, giving him a soft smile, and grabs the edge of one of the cots. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We can do that as well,” she says, and Hamid looks around at the three of them, so </span>
  <em>
    <span>incredibly </span>
  </em>
  <span>grateful. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>(When Wilde comes down the next morning, he finds them all huddled together across the cots. It can’t be that comfortable; Azu’s got the lion’s share of the space, with Cel curled against her left side as they snore loudly, hand in Azu’s. Hamid’s on her other side, Azu’s arm resting over his side, and curling up toward his face, where Hamid’s holding onto her hand with his. Zolf is on the other side of Hamid, tucked into his space with his arm slung across Hamid’s waist as well, just below Azu’s, reaching over to rest on Cel’s arm. Wilde stands there for a moment, staring at them, and refuses to catalog the scene any further. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The protocol can be damned, at least for a few hours, he figures, and silently heads back up the stairs, figuring that one of them will ring him for food when they awake. For now, he can just… leave them be. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They’ve earned that much.)</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>ok so i def think this is coming in canon and u know that scene at the end of hp book 5 thats genuinely what i want to happen like. harry screaming “i want OUT i want it to END” and breaking a bunch of shit and then just standing there chest heaving GOD it didn’t work w hamid the way i was writing this but i really REALLY want this just. complete breakdown. maybe i’ll write zolf poseidon breakdown that way. who knows. </p><p>anyways i hope u enjoyed!! comments and kudos’ are super appreciated ily</p></blockquote></div></div>
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